DEAD
Rihanna - feminist icon?
I just kind of lost all respect for her after she got back with Chris Brown. Lack of money/resources, having kids with a partner…those are usually the reasons it’s a lot easier said than done leaving an abuser. But she has money and resources out the ying-yang, no kids with Brown…so she chose to go back to him.
So I normally do not look at the responses or notes in my blog because it is often a lot to go through or I am just too busy. However, I saw this on my phone and I felt like I had to respond because this is really worrisome logic and I think this is something that needs to be address.
First of all, I chose this screencap because I thought it was kickass that Rihanna used a snarky ass response to some fucking slut-shaming and body policing. It’s one thing to disagree with someone’s outfit, but to equate covering one’s body and ‘classing it up’ is just not okay. The media been having fun trying to hate on her and I like that she fought back in her little way. While she herself may not be a feminist (I have no idea if she is or not - and frankly, right now I don’t care), the act of speaking out against that shit can be seen as a feminist act.
Secondly, I think it’s really fucking problematic for us to only find victims/survivors to return to abusers acceptable under certain circumstances. There is more to being in an abusive relationship than economic dependency. The person being abused can be more successful, have more potential for independence, have friends, etc. That does not change the inevitable mental and emotional manipulation that happens to someone abused. Remember, this person loves the individual that has created this terrible trap - even if it isnt physical it is most definitely mental. So there are more reason than just MONEY or CHILDREN for people to stay.
Many couples don’t have children. Many teens end up in abusive relationships and stay. Most of these teens are not economically dependent on their partner, but rather their guardians. Should we judge these teens who go back to abusers because there’s “no reason” to stay or return? No. Fuck that.
THIS SORT of mentality is what perpetuates this victim-blaming culture where we still hold this disproportional responsibility on the abused to avoid being abused. People lose respect for Rihanna and then Chris Brown is celebrated and the rest of us is told to “move on?”
Fine, say you lose respect for Rihanna. That’s your perogative. But DON’T create this hierarchy of ‘acceptable reasons to stay with your abuser.’ That’s really fucking wrong and that’s personally hurtful - I know what it’s like to be trapped mentally in an abusive relationship. It isn’t just about physical dependency. There’s so much more. And existing in a culture where the abused has to deal with so much more scrutiny not only for being abused, but for their behavior before and after that it is no wonder people feel inclined to stay.
It is so easy to blame yourself - I know I’ve done that and sometimes slip into that mentality today YEARS later, but I can’t IMAGINE how tough it is to have millions of people around the world blaming you, saying your abuser is innocent, etc. It can be so easy to really just give in to one’s feelings and take an easier (at least in the short run) choice to go back.
In the end, I totally know it must be hard for her. I know how hard it is for other survivors. We need to check ourselves when we decide to choose to comment on the decisions of people while in the really fucking hard period of going through a violence relationship. Perhaps I should not be respected for going back to abusers - to people who have bruised me, sent me to the hospital, raped me. But I know deep down I am not to blame and there are a million different reasons and other pressures that make it so hard to leave.
/end rant
(via bebinn)
"What we didn’t hear about was a how an African-American women who in the course of protecting herself from an abusive husband who beat her while she was pregnant, shot a gun that she legally owns into the air. No one was hurt, but she is now looking at 25 years. Yes indeed, you read that right, facing 25 years.. Her name is Marissa Alexander, she lives in Florida, is a mother of 3 and everyone should know her name and her case.The person who prosecuted her case is Angela Corey, the prosecutor in the George Zimmerman case."
—
FUCK FLORIDA FUCK THE LAW FUCK RACISM FUCK PATRIARCHY THE END.
(via suzy-x)
(via sonyazombiee)
What the fuck is wrong with people??????????? Disgusting!
Wow! This is really what society has become? I have a thousand and one things I want to say but I actually cannot word them at all because I’m that in shock. I keep typing something but it never seems good enough. I really hope there are no young girls out there that think this is actually right. Domestic violence is never right and it’s not something people should yearn for.
Any woman saying she’d be okay being in a relationship with someone who beats and FUCKING HOSPITALIZES HER needs to be in therapy.
(via loleeta-lola)
Warning; Chris Brown
I have to say that it’s completely despicable the reactions that people are having to Chris Brown’s success at The Grammies. I’ve seen quite a few different posts concerning the twitter comments that women have left Chris Brown. This is actually what society has become. Suddenly it’s okay that he hospitalised his girlfriend because it’s been three years, he’s hardworking, talented and attractive. Although that last point is debatable. The media and the celebrities that are involved are such influential aspects of society. When this aspect of society completely disregards the violent act that this man scarred another person with, the result is an innumerable amount of women who will flog his twitter begging him to beat them. It will cause an influx of people who pass judgment on a victim because the person who abused them is attractive. At what point did it become attractive to hospitalise someone? I keep seeing different people saying that The Grammies are about music. It’s not focusing on him as a person it is focusing on his talent. That’s bullshit. I hate to reduce myself to such a lowbrow “comeback” but it really is bullshit. His talent does not negate the fact that he’s guilty of a domestically violent act. He shouldn’t have won the award. He shouldn’t have been allowed back in the media. Yes I believe that people deserve second chances but when it comes to such an influential aspect of society it isn’t that easy. Millions of teenagers are growing up and watching Chris Brown be welcomed back by some of their heroes. It’s those “heroes” that should be ashamed of themselves. We shouldn’t be teaching anyone that’s okay to beat up your partner. We should be teaching them that it isn’t. I’m actually quite proud of the fact that Chris Brown was denied access to the UK. Personally, I do not believe that Chris Brown seems remorseful for what he’s done. It’s not okay to hospitalize someone else, especially someone you love, and it never will be. What he did wasn’t just an incident it was a horrific crime which he received probation and community service for. This wasn’t nearly enough. If I get hate for this then I do, it will just further prove society isn’t good anymore.
(Source: loleeta-lola)
I don’t know who this Chris Brown guy is. I don’t think I’ve heard a single one of his songs. I certainly couldn’t name any. But I do know that he is scum. And I do know that this video is hilarious.
Reblogging this because it’s beyond appropriate!!
I rarely agree with FauxNews. This is one of those special times.
(Source: alphasoixante, via loleeta-lola)
Some resources for abuse survivors (rebloggable)
http://healingquotes.tumblr.com/ (now abandoned, but a lot of good stuff there)
A few others:
http://reasonsyoushouldntfuckkids.wordpress.com/ (the blog which inspired mine. She is amazing)
http://sworddancewarrior.wordpress.com/http://sexualabusesurvivors.tumblr.com/
http://riseandreclaim.tumblr.com/
http://reasonstohide.tumblr.com/
Forums and such:
http://deadfaerie69.conforums.com/index.cgi (Eating Disorder focused, is not pro anything, but there is a thinspiration section which you may want to avoid. Warning: it’s mostly a lot of cis women, but from experience I know they are very nice.)
https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/
http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/
http://pandys.org/forums/
http://www.dartheart.org/ (haven’t done much here but I’ve heard good things)
http://www.shareascare.com/ (a bit inactive/small at the moment)
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/forum/#/ (Their FB page has a lot more activity, if you are okay with the public nature of it)
(via bebinn)
The list below was compiled with help from regular visitors to the “Survivor’s Post” forum of our message board. Thanks to AJ, Kiara, Lynn, Nancie, Sunny and Vella for the well thought-out posts that contributed.
Getting Prepared Emotionally
Safety Planning
- Visualize yourself having left, going through everything, where would you stay, how would you feel, what would you do next, etc. If you start thinking through the process and about your reactions, it will be easier to deal with the reality of leaving.
- Decide if and when you’ve had enough. You have to be sure that what you’re doing is the right thing for you and your children at the time. It’s a big change.
- Keeping a diary or journal (hidden privately) can help. Many victims write journal notes or diaries as a way to sort out their feelings and the situation. It helps to have these notes to read through and reflect. If you keep a diary, be sure it is in a well-hidden place and cannot be found.
- Realize staying is not a long term solution to protect yourself, your safety or your children’s safety. The classic pattern of abuse escalates over time. Think about what you want in your life and how you want your children to grow up. Ask yourself if the relationship or family situation is getting better or is it progressively getting worse.
- Realize that there will still be problems to overcome if you leave and an abusive partner may still try to control you through emotional, financial or other means. Those who leave abusive relationships still face challenges; their lives improve greatly by leaving but they know there are challenges ahead and make a decision to face them. Many choose counseling or support groups to help themselves meet this challenge.
The key to safety planning is taking a problem, considering the full range of available options, evaluating the risks and benefits of different options, and identifying ways to reduce the risks. Here are some tips:
Seeking Help
- Gather together any documents you may need. Store them in a safe place such a bank safe deposit box, with a trusted relative or friend. Ensuring the documents are available if you must leave in a hurry due to danger, or are actually planning to leave, is important. Documents will help you in getting assistance, filing other paperwork and protecting your interests. These documents include:
- Social security cards/numbers for yourself and any children
- Birth certificates for yourself and any children
- Medical records and immunization records for the children
- Marriage certificate
- Insurance cards or policy numbers
- Bank account numbers (checking, saving, credit cards too) and a copy of any recent statements showing balances
- List of everything of any value at all in the house that may later be needed for divorce court or distribution of property
- Keys - house, car, office, post office box, safety deposit box
- Drivers license, car registration and title
- Medications and prescriptions
- Passport, green card, work permit and any other immigration documents
- Children’s favorite toys, security blankets
- Start putting back a little money here and there, just enough that isn’t going to be missed. Be prepared as much as you can be financially.
- Mortgage payment book, copies of current unpaid bills
- Pictures, jewelry, items of sentimental value
- Pictures of injuries you may have gotten from your partner’s abuse
- Any evidence that might help police in investigating your case, for example, threatening letters or phone message tapes
- Is there anyone you can ask to call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from your house or apartment?
- If you need to get out of your house or apartment in a hurry, what door, window, elevator or stairwell will you be able to use in order to get out safely?
- Where can you keep your purse, car keys and some change to make a phone call so that you can grab them quickly?
- Is there a code word you can use with friends, family and/or your children to alert them to call for help? Do your children know how to use the phone to contact police?
- If an argument occurs, how can you get to a room where there are fewer things that can be used as weapons? Avoid getting trapped in the kitchen, bathroom, basement or garage.
- Counseling or a Support Group - When you leave an abusive relationship, you need support to help sort through the emotions, feelings of lost hopes, and rebuild your self esteem and personal strength. Counseling and support groups help many victims tremendously through this difficult time.
Let police help you - What the police can do for you depends in part on what you tell them or give them. Be as open as you can, help the police by telling them all you can. Any statement you give to the police is very important. Read your statement carefully and if there is anything that is incorrect, ask the officers to change the written statement so that it matches what actually happened. Sign it only when it says what you want it to say.
Get a Protective order or Restraining order - if you are afraid of your partner or that you will be pursued, or if violence has been shown previously; get a protective order. Many people think protective orders don’t work, but it is actually your first line of legal defense. Follow up, if the order is violated in any way, file charges.
- Seek help and support from local domestic violence organizations and shelters - Programs offer safe shelter for victims and their children, resources and contacts to legal help, court advocates to assist you in court, and counseling or support group services. Look in your local phone book for these groups, call your local social services, or state or regional domestic violence coalitions for help and advice.
- Legal help - Investigate your legal rights and position. You should feel comfortable when you talk to your lawyer and be sure that she/he understands your situation and knows how to help. If you do not have confidence in the first lawyer you speak with, you should seek another one. Your local social services or domestic violence organizations can usually refer you to a lawyer. Seeking legal help is particularly important to protect your safety, child custody and financial issues. Know your rights.
- Family and Friends - The first place an abusive partner will look for you when you leave is with family or friends. Choose very carefully about where you will stay. If you fear the partner will become violent, then chose a shelter to protect everyone’s safety. Ask your family and friends for emotional support. Survivors of domestic violence and abuse need emotional support. Be careful to ask those closest to you, who you feel the abusive partner could never persuade. A survivor of domestic abuse cannot afford contact with anyone who may side or feel sympathetic with their former partner.
This list was developed by experienced domestic violence survivors - women who have already been through the challenge of leaving an abusive partner and made it.
(via bebinn)
